Conversing 101
The Art of Conversing Well aka Rhetoric
Welcome
This website is where your empowered communication, also known as rhetoric, starts.
Rhetoric is defined as: "The art or study of using language effectively and persuasively."
Communication is an art, which requires understanding of different types of communication methods, social dynamics and relationships.
Key elements of communication include empathy, assertiveness, boundary setting, vibing and more.
Rhetoric is defined as the art or study of using language effectively and persuasively.
Seek To Understand
A wise person once said "seek first to understand, then to be understood".
The meaning of this is, if you truly listen to a person, then they will become more interested in what you have to say. The reason is that when you truly listen, they will feel understood and when they feel understood they will then feel that you truly care about what they say and will feel a connection with you and will want to know more about you.
I say truly listen, because this is not something which can be faked, you have to be present in the moment and actually listening, rather than being in your head and thinking about getting away from this person because you don't want to miss the latest episode of Eastenders for example, or because you have spotted an attractive young lady sitting opposite and you're too busy trying to catch her eye.
Active Listening
Active listening basically means doing things to show the speaker that you are listening to them. For example, nodding your head now and then, saying "aha", "yeah", "exactly", "true", short one-word phrases that let them know you're present, still awake and listening to what they say. Also keeping 'soft' eye contact let's them know you are not only listening, but are also interested in what they are saying; and when I say soft eye contact, I just mean you are not glaring at them with an intense, angry expession and are not staring. So, even if you are thinking about what the person speaking is saying, don't for example look up and to the right, or left, or behind them or seem to break eye contact while they are talking, because they will think you are looking at something or someone else and are more interested in that than listening to what they're saying, even if you are still listening and pondering what they said. It is therefore better to form the habit of looking at their forehead, ear or nose etc., if you feel like looking away, or even to squint or widen your eyes when considering what they have just said to you, that way the person talking will know you are still listening and that you are thinking about what they have just said. Also, if there is more than one person, for instance in a group, you should spread the eye contact so as not to let any one person feel left out, especially if you have just met, as the person or people not receiving eye contact will feel the urge to walk away, as it will seem they are interrupting a private conversation or that you don't want to include them in the conversation if you don't give them some eye contact, especially if you are the one doing the talking. In fact, the only time you should look away, if you must do so at all, is when you are the one doing the talking, but only for a second or two before coming back to eye contact. Just doing this one thing will improve your conversations with prople drastically because it provides better connection. Another part of active listening is, after the person has finished speaking, to repeat back to them what they have said, not all of it of course, but just a summary of what you have understood to be the main points from what they have said. Or if there is something said that you have not understood, or if you want the speaker to elaborate more on that part of the conversation, you can repeat back a key word which they used, which not only shows you were listening and are interested in what they were saying, rather than just waiting for them to finish, or to pause even, so that you can give your opinion, but also, if the key word is phrased as a question, they will hopefully elaborate on that part of their point so as to give you a clearer picture of what they meant. Also, once the speaker has finished explaining their point or story to you, they will be more interested to hear your opinion on the subject, or to learn more about similar situations or stories you have been in or have to tell, so they will then most probably ask you about that, rather than you just trying to force it on them or get it in quick while there is a pause, like "quick now's my chance to show that I have something similar to share". Because even if you have "samesies", (lol), this is a superficial way of seeking rapport, and instead, by interrupting to give your story or opinion, will give the impression that you only care about what you have to say. I'm not saying that you shouldn't share your story or opinion, I'm just saying seek first to understand, by letting the person speaking finish their train of thought, not filling in their pauses, but rather letting them air out their whole rhetoric until they get to the end of what they are saying, then they will naturally be more interested in what you have to share on the matter, rather than feel that you cut them short just because it reminded you of something similar in your own life or of an opinion you have and that you think is more important that what they have to say. Because giving someone your full attention by giving them time to talk and giving their words importance by the demonstrations of active listening we have just gone over above, is truly a way of building rapport, rather than trying to force rapport by forcing your opinions, or stories on someone, which doesn't work and actually comes across as selfish and maybe even disrespectful. I'm not saying every conversation should be 100% serious, in fact I'm a big fan of using humour in conversation, but it's knowing when to insert humour as another dynamic of the conversation when appropriate and to use it sparingly, but that's another subject.
Empathy is defined as the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position.
Empathy
The ability to empathise is also an important skill to use in conversation, not only to show that you aren't a sociopath, but it is also part of active listening, one which builds rapport even more. The same is true of the ability to emote, or to express your own feelings, even if just by showing different facial expressions while listening, as you react to what the person speaking is relating to you, rather than just staring at someone with a blank, expressionless face. Empahising means putting yourself in the other person's shoes so to speak, to try to figure out what they are or were feeling, depending if what they're saying is past or present tense, and relaying back to them what you think they feel or felt. For example, if someone says I fell over and hurt my knee, we could reply simply "that sounds painful". Or if someone lost their job, we could say "I can only imagine that feels stressful".
This is what is missing from most conversation in fact, because we were never taught this at school and most people haven't had an example of someone they know demonstrating this communication skill in their life, so they haven't developed it themselves. Also if we are to take on what the late great Marshall Rosenberg says, it was done purposely, that we were not taught this, so that we are easier to control, although he explains it better than me, have a look at his free video training course here:
Boundaries
The average person, the average communicator, doesn't tell people where their boundaries are, or what is and isn't acceptable to them, yet find themselves shocked when people overstep their boundaries. It seems the problem stems from being taught bad information, for instance, if you ask people the 'golden rule' of how to treat people, most people will say: "treat people how you want to be treated", but everyone is different, so what you think is okay, may not be okay for you someone else. So someone else may get angry, for no apparent reason, meaning we didn't think we did anything wrong because it wasn't our boundaries being overstepped. It's amazing how we expect people to be mind readers and know they've done something wrong without telling them what is making is angry for example. I can definitely hold my hands up and say I'm guilty of that and most of the people I've interacted with in the past are guilty of that too. It's because it's just not something we're taught. In fact it wasn't until the later part of 2021 that I came into contact with Dan O'Connor's channel on YouTube, after reading or listening to many authors that I finally began to understand boundaries and how to communicate them. For instance, an important part of this is to first let people know, as long as you aren't in any physical danger, when they are crossing a boundary and that you're not okay with that. You do this by making a boundary statement, which Dan O'Connor will say sounds like this "I do want to [blank] but not like that". Or put another way, "I do want to [yada, yada], but not if [yada, yada]".
Dan says the first blank is the reward they are going to get and the second blank is the behaviour you find unacceptable (and btw, if someone is bulldozing over you and you want to interupt them to tell them your very important boundary statement, you can repeat their name, until they stop talking over you, whether you need to keep saying their name over and over until they stop and allow you to say your statement or not). Here is an example:
"I do want to help you with this problem, but not if you're going to use profanity with me."
It can be whatever the situation is, but always starts with something relating to the reward, like "I do want to... continue talking with you... hear all of the things you have to say... discuss solutions..." whatever it may be, followed by "but not if you're going to... use that tone with me... hover over me... talk over me... speak to me using that volume... continue ignoring me..." whatever it is relating to the boundary you have which they are crossing.
You'll also need to use an assertive, firm, tone of voice, for instance, not a tone which goes up at the end and therefore sounds like a question. And not an aggressive or angry tone, just assertive. Plus you'll also want to use assertive body language, which means keeping "soft" eye contact, meaning again, ot angry or aggressive, but not passive body language, for instance tilting your head to the side. In fact if you are going to tilt your head, only tilt it downwards
This type of communication can also be used in romantic relationships to tell your partner what you want. In fact it can save a lot of time, heartbreak and pain, because you may find out that your partner is not right for you much quicker when they tell you that they can't provide what you're looking for, once you express this to them... More on this later. Here is Dan O'Connor's video, of which he has many on different aspects of communication, about boundaries:
Male To Female Conversation
If you are a male and would like to know more about communicating with females specifically, check out my other website here:
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